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I dub thee Sir Gratuitously Nostalgic Cultural Reference

On Tuesday I got the tin tack. "I AM A ROBOT. YOU CANNOT HURT ME," I warned. But clearly had something to learn about human nature. Why are they so obsessed with "the end of the day"? Why do their eyes leak when they look in the mirror? I went to see Silas but he couldn't explain it to me, although I did learn English off the telly while I was there.

Then my pal Benji called me and we went to the pub (left) where he told me a heartwarming tale (right). Suddenly I understood human emotion. Laden with a Cracker Jack style heap of wares and presents, I went to wish The Boy Who Lost His Laugh a happy birthday. He was surrounded by his nearest and dearest: here was my chance to put my newfound powers of empathy and emotion into practice. But he had a benny and ran off, presumably to look for his laugh.

Did you see what I did with the title? "I dub thee..." All my references are to dodgy imports. Speaking of "dub" and other popular pumping noises, I went to the Liquid Rooms on Wednesday and got chatted up by a member of the Ferreira family, a bus driver's son and a newsagent. It was horrific. I lost my temper with the most persistent and brain-dead one.

I tried the Tom Green approach for a while, the one that reduced Glasgow hardman Disco to tears - asking him repeatedly what his likes and dislikes were, trying to make him feel as though he'd got stuck in the nippiest text adventure ever. It didn't seem to work so I gave him some friendly advice in not coming across as a date rapist, heartily squeezing his man-boob by way of a "what not to do, to anyone, least of all me unless you want your bhajis to wash up on the beach" as the panic set in to his eyes.

I was being so witty and hilarious but I was only entertaining myself - my companions couldn't hear me 'cause it was so noisy in there. He turned up on the dance floor later on, persistently humping my leg, and it seemed that "they" really do only understand the language of brute force (Men, I mean! I'm sexist, not racist! LOL not really). It was just like the Egg, but at least the boys there dress nicely.

Here's a picture of me as a flid.

And here's what I learned about human nature.