Extract from borderline boiler J K Rowling’s exclusive interview with Jeremy Paxman.
JP: I’ve asked you eight times now. Why do people buy your books?
JK: I’ve captured the imaginations of young and old, and taken them for a ride. I mean, a magical journey.
JP: You’ve also magically captured the money of young and old.
JK: Oh, yes, I help people escape the emptiness of their lives and lose themselves in a world of intoxicatingly mediocre drivel, in return for contributions towards the new extensions on the west wing of one of my mansions. (JK unleashes one of her trademark watery, wall-eyed smiles)
JP: What do you plan to do once the tale of plucky four-eyes Harry Potter comes to an end?
JK: I plan to write my autobiography. It will be entitled “Down and Out in Edinburgh” and it will detail the hardships I suffered when I was first starting out as a writer.
JP: Did your husband beat you? Were you living in the gutter?
JK: No, but my heating was on the blink so I had to have my dinner in a café. Of course, in the early days –
JP: What was it like being married to Denise Van Outen?
JK: That’s a different Jay Kay.
JP: I know. Sorry, I was just thinking aloud. What were you saying?
It was recently announced that JK Rowling has just given birth to a magical baby boy called Optimus Prime. The boy was born with a birthmark shaped like a multi-million pound publishing deal.