rosyrockets.com

Moustaches

DID YOU KNOW?? Will Self’s fave cold brunch is smack-topped jacket potatoes (served cold; like revenge, or a lolly). He sold the rights to this phrase to his twin brother Chilly Gonzalez, who used it in a rap composed especially for the Royal Variety show.

Famous German philosopher Niel Jung porpoised that the character is made up of three parts: the eagle and the animal. This theory triggered a snowstorm of new ideas in the baldy domes of America’s T.V. executives, who created spin-off series such as “Manimal” and “I.D.”.

Archeologians digging through the foundations of crispy Cowgate discovered the site of an Edwardian greetings card and poster shop, with some stock still intact. Among the items recovered were a poster of a topless man in a bowler hat holding a baby with a handlebar moustache, a poster of a young Victorian man bending down from his penny farthing to stare at his girlfriend’s ankles, and a poster of a chimp with an unkempt handlebar moustache on a toilet with a handlebar moustache saying “It’s a bad hair day for my handlebar moustache!”

Imagine their surprise when they discovered their mistake. It was not an old shop: they had tunneled too far and resurfaced through my bedroom floor.

Fear or Loathing?

Our team of top relationshipologists has created this questionnaire to help you understand why you are still with your boyfriend after three weeks, in this fickle new minellium filled with temptations, such as secretive “cyber-mating”, contraception available to twelve year old girls no-questions-asked, and Rohypnol (I drink this for breakfast and still manage to punch the lollipop lady on the way to work).

Anyway, brain scientists have identified two things which can sustain a long-term relationship.

So which category do you fall into?

FEAR OR LOATHING?
1) Most common phrase used in phonecalls

between you and your man:

a) I just dropped the phone.
b) Are you all right?
c) How about a takeaway
and a video?

2) Naked, he reminds you:

a) Of an earthbound Apollo
b) To take the rubbish out
c) Of Harvey Keitel

3) Are you cheating on him?

a) Not exactly
b) Yes, with my ex
c) Yes, with his brother

4) If he left you, what would you miss the most?

a) The sex
b) The point
c) The butler

5) On a long bus journey you would rather sit with:

a) Your dad
b) A common person sneezing into a tabloid
c) Your man

6) What does he owe you?

a) A rodeo burger
b) A hand job
c) An explanation

7) When you hug him, it is usually:

a) whilst shouting, “Are you coming up yet?” with a Grover-grin
b) like a wizened leprechaun hugs his gold
c) without letting your breasts touch him

SCORES
1) a:3 b:1 c:2 2) a:1 b:2 c:3 3) a:2 b:1 c:3 4) a:3 b:2 c:1 5) a:1 b:3 c:2 6) a:2 b:3 c:1 7) a:2 b:1 c:3

0-10: FEAR

The only thing that scares you more than the prospect of being dumped is the prospect of not being dumped. I read that in a Chinese Fortune Cookie. I had just shrunk to the size of a coffee bean. Boy, was it hot in there. I couldn’t stand it any longer. I bashed a hole in the golden crust with the butt of my gun, and climbed out. My god. I was surrounded by gooks. Luckily, I had [continued on page 6]

11-20: A healthy balance.

Things are pretty good apart from when you get his name wrong, and when he gets drunk and talks persistently about Nostradamus, and the faking of the moon landing. That night, you fake a moon landing. Across the street, a baby cries as you light your cigarette. What [continued on page 17]

21-30: LOATHING

He’s the guy you really do love to hate! A pale, whimpering, coffee-breathed reflection of your own dribbling inadequacy.

Effluent Men

Here are Ferry and Harry. I miss them. They never came to Aaron's birthday party because they thought it was on the 28th, which is his age, not his birth date. I made a hasty exit from the party when I found myself walking down the corridor in the style of Gene Kelly singin' in the rain. Must preserve dignity at all costs! LOL! Speaking of preserving dignity, I've just unearthed this site I made about John Merrick, and a page I made about some annoying dick I used to work with. Don't enjoy!

I haven't been around in a while; tiny amounts of net access which I have been devoting to this. Many stories have I submitted. More here soon, though. Please don't forget me.