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On The Buses

The back of a number 31 bus, 5.30 pm on a Tuesday evening. ROSY is sitting on the back corner seat of the bus, with her bag on the adjoining seat, doing a crossword. In the opposite rear corner is a PRETTY GIRL in a camel coat, with a rather sharp face. Opposite ROSY is a WEE LASS in a woolly hat, nursing a large coke. A nervous SPECCY bloke sits opposite the PRETTY GIRL.

SPECCY: So how have you been.
PRETTY GIRL: (curtly) Fine, thanks.
SPECCY: And how's Andrea.
PRETTY GIRL: Fine.
SPECCY: Have you seen her recently.
PRETTY GIRL: (shuffles irritably) Mm-hm.

ROSY manages to whip her bag away just before a Michael GAMBON lookalike sits on it. He is apparently tying up the loose ends of a friendly conversation with himself.

SPECCY continues to mumble stilted platitudes during the following exchange, as the PRETTY GIRL eyes him coldly. GAMBON has the ruddy face and pink eye of a recreational drinker. He greets his fellow passengers with avuncular charm, addressing the women as "honey bun", but only ROSY replies. He peers at the crossword.

GAMBON: Crossword, eh? What's seventeen doon?
ROSY: (with tact) Well, it's a cryptic one...
GAMBON: Go on, tell me the clue.
ROSY: "Type of art which might be appreciated by the blind?"

GAMBON screws up his eyes and solemnly tries to work it out.

GAMBON: Vision. Visi... bility. (He glances with mild, ruminative sagacity at the other passengers.)
ROSY: Not enough letters.
GAMBON: What paper is it?
ROSY: The Guardian.
GAMBON: (derisively) Oh, well there you go then. Just put that. And one doon is always aboot fifty letters long, away down the side there.
ROSY: It is very long, actually.

GAMBON points to the nervous WEE LASS opposite, who is trying to hide behind her coke.

GAMBON: Are you African?

The WEE LASS, who is Scottish and Caucasian, giggles and shakes her head.

WEE LASS: No - are you?

GAMBON: Fuck off!

His face registers disgust, and then cunning.

GAMBON: ... I'm French. Now, see the French people - they're really small (raises his hand about 2 feet from the floor) and they speak to you. (He turns to the PRETTY GIRL) You've seen them, haven't you? But don't tell anyone - no one else can see them.

The PRETTY GIRL is pretending, with difficulty, not to hear him. He turns back to the WEE LASS.

GAMBON: You'd be better off sitting over here - (he winks and gestures at the empty seat beside him) with us pro-di-digies (gestures to Rosy with comradely pride).

ROSY is laughing her head off, fancying herself as the Louis Theroux or Ernie Wise foil to GAMBON's lunatic genius, but when she looks around to share the joke, she sees that everyone but the WEE LASS is ignoring her as well as GAMBON. SPECCY eyes ROSY with disdain, having failed to engage the PRETTY GIRL in conversation. GAMBON notices, and as SPECCY rises to leave, nudges ROSY, nods over at SPECCY and rolls his eyes in exasperation.

GAMBON: What's nine doon?
ROSY: "Ready to go - perhaps having had a nice wash". (ROSY worries that he will think she is mocking him)
GAMBON: (wrinkles nose in disgust) Aw - that's what your neighbours say to you.
ROSY: Your neighbours tell you to wash?
GAMBON: Aye - they tell everyone to wash. They look at you like you're filthy. (He points to the WEE LASS) Calvin Klein! They all wear these - they wear these jeans, they walk around wi' tags on their backsides. And forty poond a leg! (He slaps his thigh, chuckling heartily. When he recovers, he continues with officious pedantry:) Now, Calvin Klein started out in "A Fistful of Dollars." (turns and points at PRETTY LASS) And your grandfayther!

There is a dramatic pause as GAMBON waits for the PRETTY GIRL to back up this statement. ROSY's stop looms.

ROSY: I'm off now.
GAMBON: (waves with dismissive affection, as if to an old friend) Okay. See you in a fortnight - I'm away on business.

As ROSY waits at the exit she hears him talking to the WEE LASS.

GAMBON: How old are you? (Her response is inaudible.) Sixteen, eh? How does that feel? Do you feel like you're part of the world now?

_____________________________________________________
No poetic licence was taken in the transcription of this exchange.

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